As you may recall, September was Marriage Month here at NCoN. The interviews I shared then received such great feedback that I’ve decided to continue posting them periodically, and today is the first day of that continuing series.
I’ll still be using the same questionnaire to which each of the previous guest posters responded, but I may change things up a bit. For example, for this post we get both sides of the story!
Lydia has been a long-time friend of David’s family, and she and her husband Adam are one of our favorite couples to hang out with. Along with being parents and working other gigs, they are the brains and the talent behind Photography Hill, the source of some of my favorite photos of our family to date. They asked if I would let them answer these questions together, and of course I said yes! Take a look at their his-and-hers peek into their awesome marriage.
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Tell us a little about your family.
Once upon a time, we met in Calculus class at BYU. After four seasons
and a roadtrip, we got married. We have been married for 7 years and
have a 6 year old son, named Rigby. We think we have figured out what we
want to be when we grow up, and that is to work together. Photography Hill is our photo company.
What first made
you decide your spouse was “the one”?
Lydia:
I
never believed in predestined soulmates because of how I feel about
agency. But I really thought Adam could be the one pretty early on. We
made a great couple and had the best conversations. But life got in the
way, and we (he) broke up to figure out some personal stuff. I always
hoped he would come back to me, but after a while of being “just
friends,” I started dating someone else. It was kind of my way of
saying, “If you don’t want to choose me, then I will find someone else
that I jive well with.” That didn’t last too long and I’m pretty sure
you can guess how this story ended.
never believed in predestined soulmates because of how I feel about
agency. But I really thought Adam could be the one pretty early on. We
made a great couple and had the best conversations. But life got in the
way, and we (he) broke up to figure out some personal stuff. I always
hoped he would come back to me, but after a while of being “just
friends,” I started dating someone else. It was kind of my way of
saying, “If you don’t want to choose me, then I will find someone else
that I jive well with.” That didn’t last too long and I’m pretty sure
you can guess how this story ended.
Adam:
It took a while, for which I take full blame. We dated for a couple
months after we first met, and then broke up. For about the next nine
months, even though we weren’t dating, we stayed close. We went through
some pretty unbelievable personal trials together, and through it all,
you might say we got a bit attached to one another. I had always thought
for sure that we wouldn’t get back together, even though Lydia would
have been willing, but then I started to see things in a little bit
different light. There was one week where I just had this gradual
epiphany that we should be together. Like, for good. We talked about it
over a couple of days, and she decided to end things with her (not
serious) boyfriend, and then literally overnight, we were back together,
which basically meant we were engaged. I think the quick reversal after
so much time surprised a lot of people, and it was kind of dramatic in
retrospect.
months after we first met, and then broke up. For about the next nine
months, even though we weren’t dating, we stayed close. We went through
some pretty unbelievable personal trials together, and through it all,
you might say we got a bit attached to one another. I had always thought
for sure that we wouldn’t get back together, even though Lydia would
have been willing, but then I started to see things in a little bit
different light. There was one week where I just had this gradual
epiphany that we should be together. Like, for good. We talked about it
over a couple of days, and she decided to end things with her (not
serious) boyfriend, and then literally overnight, we were back together,
which basically meant we were engaged. I think the quick reversal after
so much time surprised a lot of people, and it was kind of dramatic in
retrospect.
Why are they
still “the one”?
still “the one”?
Lydia:
Every day I love Adam
more than the previous day. And I choose to love him more everyday. He
makes it easy because we work so well together. He is my biggest
supporter and making our marriage work is equally important to both of
us. Recently I was reading the book Allegiant, by Veronica Roth. In it was a quote that says everything about how I feel about Adam:
more than the previous day. And I choose to love him more everyday. He
makes it easy because we work so well together. He is my biggest
supporter and making our marriage work is equally important to both of
us. Recently I was reading the book Allegiant, by Veronica Roth. In it was a quote that says everything about how I feel about Adam:
“I
fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if
there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose
to, every day that I wake up… I choose him over and over again, and he
chooses me.”
fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if
there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose
to, every day that I wake up… I choose him over and over again, and he
chooses me.”
Adam:
The more time
passes, the more we united we are, and the more we love each other. You
hear about marriages where people evolve differently and drift apart,
but because we’ve prioritized our marriage above all else from day one,
we have only grown closer together. The fact that we’re on the same page
when it comes to all the most important things in life is a huge
blessing, and it’s why Lydia’s still the one for me. After 7 years, I’m
still excited that I get to be with her.
passes, the more we united we are, and the more we love each other. You
hear about marriages where people evolve differently and drift apart,
but because we’ve prioritized our marriage above all else from day one,
we have only grown closer together. The fact that we’re on the same page
when it comes to all the most important things in life is a huge
blessing, and it’s why Lydia’s still the one for me. After 7 years, I’m
still excited that I get to be with her.
What do you
love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage
specifically?
love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage
specifically?
Lydia:
I love that marriage is a team effort – that we experience the
successes or failures through our own choices and those choices reflect
our level of respect, love, and devotion to our spouse. What I love the
most about my marriage is that Adam and I are absolutely equal partners.
We are totally and completely devoted to each other. Another thing I
love about our marriage is the fact that we don’t nag each other. Not to
say we don’t each have annoying habits, but we don’t get hung up on
them. I have had some amazingly bad examples in my life of naggers,
usually about the inconsequential things, and I decided that that would
not be welcome in my marriage. It makes all the difference.
successes or failures through our own choices and those choices reflect
our level of respect, love, and devotion to our spouse. What I love the
most about my marriage is that Adam and I are absolutely equal partners.
We are totally and completely devoted to each other. Another thing I
love about our marriage is the fact that we don’t nag each other. Not to
say we don’t each have annoying habits, but we don’t get hung up on
them. I have had some amazingly bad examples in my life of naggers,
usually about the inconsequential things, and I decided that that would
not be welcome in my marriage. It makes all the difference.
Adam:
I’m
still pleasantly surprised at how good it can be. What marriage does
for a couple’s relationship, generally speaking, is to raise the stakes.
In other words, when it goes badly, it goes REALLY badly, and drags
everything else down, but when it goes well, there’s no upper limit to
how good it can be. Of course, getting there takes work, if you can call
it that. We’ve all heard about, “oh, a good marriage takes a lot of
work”, but it’s sort of like, if you knew where there was some huge
buried treasure, and you had a shovel, you would totally do that work.
You’d be first in line to volunteer! And you wouldn’t feel like you were
“working” or “digging”, you’d feel like you were getting rich. That’s
what the “work” of a great marriage is like. Even a major effort is so
small, compared to the potential rewards.
still pleasantly surprised at how good it can be. What marriage does
for a couple’s relationship, generally speaking, is to raise the stakes.
In other words, when it goes badly, it goes REALLY badly, and drags
everything else down, but when it goes well, there’s no upper limit to
how good it can be. Of course, getting there takes work, if you can call
it that. We’ve all heard about, “oh, a good marriage takes a lot of
work”, but it’s sort of like, if you knew where there was some huge
buried treasure, and you had a shovel, you would totally do that work.
You’d be first in line to volunteer! And you wouldn’t feel like you were
“working” or “digging”, you’d feel like you were getting rich. That’s
what the “work” of a great marriage is like. Even a major effort is so
small, compared to the potential rewards.
The best thing about
our marriage specifically is probably how we view our relationship. We
both, in different ways, have come to see our marriage as a permanent
oasis from the troubles and drama in our families of origin. It’s our
chance to start fresh and do things right, and to let go of past
burdens. We see that happening in small ways almost daily, and it’s a
great source of peace.
our marriage specifically is probably how we view our relationship. We
both, in different ways, have come to see our marriage as a permanent
oasis from the troubles and drama in our families of origin. It’s our
chance to start fresh and do things right, and to let go of past
burdens. We see that happening in small ways almost daily, and it’s a
great source of peace.
What is one
of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?
of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?
Lydia:
Most of the
difficulties we have gone through stem from my heath. Our first year of
marriage was difficult because my depression was at its worst –
aggravated by pregnancy hormones and Hyperemesis gravidarum.
I was shell of a person and all my energy was focused on growing a baby
and then caring for an infant. It was a terribly dark time. Adam was so
supportive, helped me get the help I needed, and held my hand as I made
way back to myself.
difficulties we have gone through stem from my heath. Our first year of
marriage was difficult because my depression was at its worst –
aggravated by pregnancy hormones and Hyperemesis gravidarum.
I was shell of a person and all my energy was focused on growing a baby
and then caring for an infant. It was a terribly dark time. Adam was so
supportive, helped me get the help I needed, and held my hand as I made
way back to myself.
Adam:
Lydia
described it pretty well. Her pregnancy was so bad that at one time she
had something of a brush with death. A drug prescribed by her attending
physician at the ER probably saved her life. That year was a really low
point for us in a lot of ways. I remember one conversation we had back
then where we were lamenting that we had nothing in life figured out,
except for our marriage. Academically, socially, and professionally, it
was just chaos and we felt directionless, except that we were absolutely
sure that we should be together. The fact that we could at least depend
on that has made all the difference.
described it pretty well. Her pregnancy was so bad that at one time she
had something of a brush with death. A drug prescribed by her attending
physician at the ER probably saved her life. That year was a really low
point for us in a lot of ways. I remember one conversation we had back
then where we were lamenting that we had nothing in life figured out,
except for our marriage. Academically, socially, and professionally, it
was just chaos and we felt directionless, except that we were absolutely
sure that we should be together. The fact that we could at least depend
on that has made all the difference.
What kinds
of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?
of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?
Lydia:
I have a bachelor’s degree in Home and Family Living. Before we
were engaged, I took a marriage prep course and Adam read all the books
associated with the course. Info from that course gave us a strong
foundation in the practical aspects of marriage. I was still working on
my degree after we were married, so I opted to take a marriage
enhancement course. It focused on understanding differences and
strengthening communication skills. While our relationship was already
good, this course made it that much stronger.
were engaged, I took a marriage prep course and Adam read all the books
associated with the course. Info from that course gave us a strong
foundation in the practical aspects of marriage. I was still working on
my degree after we were married, so I opted to take a marriage
enhancement course. It focused on understanding differences and
strengthening communication skills. While our relationship was already
good, this course made it that much stronger.
Adam
Setting
apart time to spend alone with each other has been huge. Sometimes it’s
planned and sometimes it’s not, and it lets us have moments where we
can just focus on “us”. The rest of life and the world seems to stop for
a while. A short vacation, or a long late-night talk, and we remember
yet again why we love each other, and how good that is.
apart time to spend alone with each other has been huge. Sometimes it’s
planned and sometimes it’s not, and it lets us have moments where we
can just focus on “us”. The rest of life and the world seems to stop for
a while. A short vacation, or a long late-night talk, and we remember
yet again why we love each other, and how good that is.
If you could
give any marital advice, what would it be?
give any marital advice, what would it be?
Lydia:
Get educated, especially if you need a little help knowing
what is normal and healthy to have a successful marriage. Marriage is
hard, but there are lots of resources out there to help ease the
journey. My top three recommendations are to take a marriage
strengthening course, read some books (highly recommend Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman and The Great Marriage Tune-Up Book by Jeffry H Larson), and take a communication class.
what is normal and healthy to have a successful marriage. Marriage is
hard, but there are lots of resources out there to help ease the
journey. My top three recommendations are to take a marriage
strengthening course, read some books (highly recommend Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman and The Great Marriage Tune-Up Book by Jeffry H Larson), and take a communication class.
Adam:
Some
of the best marital advice I could give is almost more like dating
advice, and that is to get to know your spouse as well as you can before
marriage. Lydia’s starting phrase about “four seasons and a roadtrip”
is a rule of thumb we find ourselves repeating, because it’s long enough
that you’ve seen the other person at their best, and their worst. You
know what it’s like when they’re angry, when they’re sad, when they’re
sick or injured or tired, as well as when everything is going fine. You
know their flaws, and their virtues, and their hopes and dreams. The
fewer unknowns you have going into a marriage, the better. Some things
you just can’t know ahead of time, but it pays to be an expert on
everything else. I’m going to butcher and paraphrase an LDS scripture,
Doctrine and Covenants 130:18-19, to help make my point. “Whatever
principle of intelligence we attain unto as regards our spouse while
dating, it will rise with us in the marriage covenant. And if a person
in a courtship gains more knowledge and intelligence about his future
spouse through his care and observation than another, he will have so
much the advantage in the marriage to come.”
of the best marital advice I could give is almost more like dating
advice, and that is to get to know your spouse as well as you can before
marriage. Lydia’s starting phrase about “four seasons and a roadtrip”
is a rule of thumb we find ourselves repeating, because it’s long enough
that you’ve seen the other person at their best, and their worst. You
know what it’s like when they’re angry, when they’re sad, when they’re
sick or injured or tired, as well as when everything is going fine. You
know their flaws, and their virtues, and their hopes and dreams. The
fewer unknowns you have going into a marriage, the better. Some things
you just can’t know ahead of time, but it pays to be an expert on
everything else. I’m going to butcher and paraphrase an LDS scripture,
Doctrine and Covenants 130:18-19, to help make my point. “Whatever
principle of intelligence we attain unto as regards our spouse while
dating, it will rise with us in the marriage covenant. And if a person
in a courtship gains more knowledge and intelligence about his future
spouse through his care and observation than another, he will have so
much the advantage in the marriage to come.”
Another piece of
advice I have would be to keep things in perspective. To use another
scripture, “Cease to find fault one with another.” Some stuff just
doesn’t really matter. If something bothers you but it’s not a question
of personal worthiness, health or safety, family responsibilities, or
another non-negotiable, then consider letting it pass without criticism.
Or at least make a polite request instead of an accusation. Be your
spouse’s advocate, not their nagging roommate.
advice I have would be to keep things in perspective. To use another
scripture, “Cease to find fault one with another.” Some stuff just
doesn’t really matter. If something bothers you but it’s not a question
of personal worthiness, health or safety, family responsibilities, or
another non-negotiable, then consider letting it pass without criticism.
Or at least make a polite request instead of an accusation. Be your
spouse’s advocate, not their nagging roommate.
Finally, communicate early and often, about everything of any consequence to your lives.
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My favorite part? That even when everything seemed to be a complete disaster, they knew with absolute surety that they could rely on each other. I think that’s what everyone wants: to have a partner they can depend on, no matter what.
What about you, friends? Did anything either of them shared ring true to you?
Thanks for sharing with us and for being such stellar examples of a husband/wife team, Lydia and Adam!
Ooooh good one! I really liked what Lydia said about choosing to love. And Adam's advice to "cease to find fault one with another." Those two things have really helped us a lot!
P.S. If you need any more volunteers let me know! This series is great!
Love is always a choice, isn't it? And so is choosing to see the good in someone. I love these two…they are wise.
P.S. I'd love to have you participate! I'll email you!