Today’s interview is a little different because, rather than being solicited for help, Sam actually volunteered to answer my questionnaire. He noticed that my interviews were skewing heavily toward the female side and thought maybe a dude’s perspective would be a good addition to the mix. And he’s totally right!
Sam is one of my first internet-turned-real-life friends. He and I met via BYU’s 100 Hour Board and I’m so glad we’ve been able to keep in touch over the years. Sam is the mastermind behind the Beesley Project. He has a remarkable mind, excellent writing skills, great taste in music, and is literally one of the funniest people I know. I snorted more than once while reading his responses here. Just wait. You’ll see.
***
Tell us a little about your family.
Tamsen and I met at BYU,
like virtually everyone else in our peer group, although it’s worth
pointing out that I didn’t ask her to marry me until literally the night
after graduation, so I never fit the stereotype of the young married
college student. (She had just finished her freshman year, so, you know,
there’s that stereotype.) We were married that next Christmas and
almost seven years later, here we are, still married. Our daughter Edith
was born about a year ago.
like virtually everyone else in our peer group, although it’s worth
pointing out that I didn’t ask her to marry me until literally the night
after graduation, so I never fit the stereotype of the young married
college student. (She had just finished her freshman year, so, you know,
there’s that stereotype.) We were married that next Christmas and
almost seven years later, here we are, still married. Our daughter Edith
was born about a year ago.
We’re both from
Oregon originally, and we got to spend two outstanding years there while
I was in grad school in Eugene (ROLL DUCKS) until it was cruelly ripped
away from us as a job offer came up in Tennessee. Neither of us is used
to the hot and humid climate, the delicate flowers that we are, but
we’ve made the most of it and are having fun exploring a whole new
territory for us.
Oregon originally, and we got to spend two outstanding years there while
I was in grad school in Eugene (ROLL DUCKS) until it was cruelly ripped
away from us as a job offer came up in Tennessee. Neither of us is used
to the hot and humid climate, the delicate flowers that we are, but
we’ve made the most of it and are having fun exploring a whole new
territory for us.
What made you first decide that Tamsen was “the one”?
Truth
be told, I didn’t really get a sense of that until after we were
engaged. My previous few relationships had gone sour because I was
coming on too strong about taking things to the next level by trying to
have deep, profound, emotional talks about The Future and Where This
Relationship Is Headed, so I resolved to play it cool when I met Tamsen.
One night, I asked her if she had ever considered marriage. I did my
best to make it clear that I certainly wasn’t asking her to marry me,
but just if she’d ever thought about it. So we both talked about it,
clearly and relatively dispassionately, and we ended up falling over
backward into an engagement. It didn’t really feel terribly exciting, or
romantic, but just sort of a natural outgrowth of the conversation.
be told, I didn’t really get a sense of that until after we were
engaged. My previous few relationships had gone sour because I was
coming on too strong about taking things to the next level by trying to
have deep, profound, emotional talks about The Future and Where This
Relationship Is Headed, so I resolved to play it cool when I met Tamsen.
One night, I asked her if she had ever considered marriage. I did my
best to make it clear that I certainly wasn’t asking her to marry me,
but just if she’d ever thought about it. So we both talked about it,
clearly and relatively dispassionately, and we ended up falling over
backward into an engagement. It didn’t really feel terribly exciting, or
romantic, but just sort of a natural outgrowth of the conversation.
The
next morning, I woke up with one thought, and one thought only, in my
head: WHAT HAVE I DONE. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Tamsen, but I
worried that maybe I hadn’t thought things through, and do I even know
this woman, and I don’t see no ring on this finger there’s still time to
get out of this. It passed, but some doubts still lingered. And then a
couple of weeks later, she handed me a note in our apartment that just
had a single word on it: some. Some? “Now you can tell people you
got some from me,” she said. My roommate, deeply impressed, asked if he
could have some, too. She handed him a note, also with a single word: none.
next morning, I woke up with one thought, and one thought only, in my
head: WHAT HAVE I DONE. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Tamsen, but I
worried that maybe I hadn’t thought things through, and do I even know
this woman, and I don’t see no ring on this finger there’s still time to
get out of this. It passed, but some doubts still lingered. And then a
couple of weeks later, she handed me a note in our apartment that just
had a single word on it: some. Some? “Now you can tell people you
got some from me,” she said. My roommate, deeply impressed, asked if he
could have some, too. She handed him a note, also with a single word: none.
Okay, being married to her could be pretty awesome, I thought.
Why is she still “the one”?
She
makes me laugh in a way no one else can. Humor and jokes are really
important to both of us, and finding someone that appreciated my sense
of humor has been a blessing like nothing I could have imagined. She
slipped me a note once in church, neatly folded in half. I opened it to
find the words “YOU SMELL” in large, tidy print looking back at me.
makes me laugh in a way no one else can. Humor and jokes are really
important to both of us, and finding someone that appreciated my sense
of humor has been a blessing like nothing I could have imagined. She
slipped me a note once in church, neatly folded in half. I opened it to
find the words “YOU SMELL” in large, tidy print looking back at me.
She’s
kind, generous, loyal to her friends and family, creative, and
adventurous, but it’s the jokes that remind me every day that she’s the
one for me.
kind, generous, loyal to her friends and family, creative, and
adventurous, but it’s the jokes that remind me every day that she’s the
one for me.
What do you love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage specifically?
Being
married is fantastic for tax breaks and regular access to smooches, but
I think many people will agree with me when I say that the greatest
thing about being married is no longer having to go on or plan first
dates. Making awkward chit chat over frozen yogurt and mini golf is not a
thing I miss in the slightest. Nor do I miss having to negotiate the
minefield that is the doorstep scene at the end of a mediocre date. Do I
give her a hug? A high-five? Fist bump? Aw man, do I have to kiss her?
Nope, don’t miss that a bit.
married is fantastic for tax breaks and regular access to smooches, but
I think many people will agree with me when I say that the greatest
thing about being married is no longer having to go on or plan first
dates. Making awkward chit chat over frozen yogurt and mini golf is not a
thing I miss in the slightest. Nor do I miss having to negotiate the
minefield that is the doorstep scene at the end of a mediocre date. Do I
give her a hug? A high-five? Fist bump? Aw man, do I have to kiss her?
Nope, don’t miss that a bit.
One thing I really
like about our marriage is that I have someone to have meaningful
conversations with. We get to have deep, engaging conversations about
anything and everything without worrying about the other judging our
opinions. We do the same thing while falling asleep, only those
conversations tend to be infinitely more hilarious. So much so, in fact,
that we kept a blog of them (http://sleepingwithsamandtamsen.blogspot.com) for a short while until I started falling asleep too quickly for us to have interesting things worth sharing anymore.
like about our marriage is that I have someone to have meaningful
conversations with. We get to have deep, engaging conversations about
anything and everything without worrying about the other judging our
opinions. We do the same thing while falling asleep, only those
conversations tend to be infinitely more hilarious. So much so, in fact,
that we kept a blog of them (http://sleepingwithsamandtamsen.blogspot.com) for a short while until I started falling asleep too quickly for us to have interesting things worth sharing anymore.
What is one of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?
I’m
a shy extrovert and Tamsen is an introvert, so meeting new people has
been a challenge for us. We often end up at home evenings, each of us
doing our own thing, and it can get a little lonely. We’ve had to make
real efforts to step out of our shell to meet new people, find new
things to do, or really anything at all to get us out of the rut. I
think each of us had always been used to relying on others to make the
first step in developing new friendships so we could slide in and get
new friends, too. Now, the responsibility to break the ice is all on us.
It’s been hard for us, and it’s still hard, but I think we’re getting a
little better.
a shy extrovert and Tamsen is an introvert, so meeting new people has
been a challenge for us. We often end up at home evenings, each of us
doing our own thing, and it can get a little lonely. We’ve had to make
real efforts to step out of our shell to meet new people, find new
things to do, or really anything at all to get us out of the rut. I
think each of us had always been used to relying on others to make the
first step in developing new friendships so we could slide in and get
new friends, too. Now, the responsibility to break the ice is all on us.
It’s been hard for us, and it’s still hard, but I think we’re getting a
little better.
What kinds of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?
I
think we both just look for things to do for each other. She hates
doing the dishes, so I wash them most nights. I hate doing laundry, so
she usually does that. I think golden age musicals and girl power TV
shows (looking at you, Gilmore Girls) are ridiculous, but I know
Tamsen likes them, so I can sit down and watch them if I know it’s going
to make her happy. And she thinks sports of all kinds are a little
silly, but she knows I love to watch and go to NBA games, so she’ll tag
along because she knows it will make me happy. We try to meet each other
in the middle.
think we both just look for things to do for each other. She hates
doing the dishes, so I wash them most nights. I hate doing laundry, so
she usually does that. I think golden age musicals and girl power TV
shows (looking at you, Gilmore Girls) are ridiculous, but I know
Tamsen likes them, so I can sit down and watch them if I know it’s going
to make her happy. And she thinks sports of all kinds are a little
silly, but she knows I love to watch and go to NBA games, so she’ll tag
along because she knows it will make me happy. We try to meet each other
in the middle.
If you could give any marital advice, what would it be?
Gotta
have good communication. We had some rough patches at the beginning of
our marriage because things were bothering us that we wouldn’t talk
about. Once we learned to be open and trusting with each other, we could
get past those things, or at the very least, we could realize that we
had things to work on. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that
you aren’t a good spouse unless you can anticipate your partner’s every
need and feeling. That’s not realistic, and it’s a huge relief to learn
that it’s not expected of me. If Tamsen wants a fur diamond for
Christmas, she doesn’t drop oblique hints about fur, or how a diamond
might look nice on our shelf, she just tells me, “I would like a fur
diamond for Christmas this year.” And I tell her that we can’t afford a
fur diamond, and that she really might want to consider asking for
something a little more affordable this year, like a used VHS copy of Con Air. It’s all about communication.
have good communication. We had some rough patches at the beginning of
our marriage because things were bothering us that we wouldn’t talk
about. Once we learned to be open and trusting with each other, we could
get past those things, or at the very least, we could realize that we
had things to work on. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that
you aren’t a good spouse unless you can anticipate your partner’s every
need and feeling. That’s not realistic, and it’s a huge relief to learn
that it’s not expected of me. If Tamsen wants a fur diamond for
Christmas, she doesn’t drop oblique hints about fur, or how a diamond
might look nice on our shelf, she just tells me, “I would like a fur
diamond for Christmas this year.” And I tell her that we can’t afford a
fur diamond, and that she really might want to consider asking for
something a little more affordable this year, like a used VHS copy of Con Air. It’s all about communication.
***
HA! Sam and Tamsen, you guys must have so much fun together. I love it.
For me, that’s the takeaway from this interview: don’t take yourselves too seriously. Talk to each other, be willing to compromise, but above all else, laugh together! Every day! All the time! When it’s totally inappropriate but you just don’t care!
What do you think? How does Sam’s perspective on marriage change your own? Or does it? Do you and your spouse have dumb inside jokes together too?
Thanks so much, Sam. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
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