A Birthday Interview at Age 39

Despite my good intentions, this seems to be the only time I ever blog anymore. Sometimes I feel sad about that. Clearly not sad enough to change my ways though!

How are you spending your birthday?

Preparing to head up to Winslow to visit my family. Tonight we’re getting takeout from my favorite Indian restaurant, but today is mostly household chores and packing lists.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) Always a complicated one for me. Sadder overall, I think. I’ve been putting off dealing with my depression for a while, and while a lot of things make me hopeful, my general state of mind is not great.

b) Fatter. I’ve been doing a workout program I really love, but only off and on, so I’m mostly just getting thicker as I gain muscle. Plus I’m not breastfeeding anymore, which makes a difference. It’s always a challenge to sort out clothing sizes and fits when your body changes, but I’m a lot more focused on strengthening and straightening my body more any anything else.

c) Richer. We’ve paid off some debts and been able to sock away some savings. It’s so reassuring.

What did you do last year that you’ve never done before?

I went to Hawaii! More about that below.

What was your favorite discovery last year?

Lots of online artists. Most of my social media feed is art these days. It’s one of the few hopeful things in a world that gives me a lot of anxiety. People keep making stuff, and it’s soothing and inspiring.

What do you hope to learn this coming year?

How to paint. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for years, but lately I’m actually pulling out my acrylics and playing around. I’d like to make it a regular practice and have a better idea of what I’m doing.

What would you like to have this year that you didn’t have last year?

Last year–and the year before that–I said I wanted a pool. Still don’t have one. Still really really want one.

What was your biggest achievement of this year?

I don’t even know how to answer that. It doesn’t feel like I’ve “achieved” anything. We did successfully plan and execute a 10-day family road trip to Utah and back in the Land Rover, which feels like a major accomplishment. Every year I set a goal to read 52 books and I did that for the first time. We pulled off a really fun, silly Halloween photo shoot with a friend at the last minute. A reel I made on Instagram went viral. And my little ward choir has sung some very pretty pieces which makes me proud.

But achieve? Meh.

What was your biggest failure?

Not finding a new house. We’ve been house hunting for over a year and a half, and have yet to find one we love that’s in our price range. Now the market is a nightmare and it feels like we’ll never find what we’re looking for. It’s very discouraging.

Where did you travel this year?

We went to Utah last summer, including Monument Valley, Arches and Canyonlands National Parks, and Wildwood to be with family. Over Thanksgiving break we drove through New Mexico and visited White Sands, Carlsbad Caverns, and (briefly) Guadalupe Mountains National Parks. We also visited my parents around Christmas and spent a long weekend in January at Joshua Tree National Park.

Our biggest trip by far, though, was Kauai. David had to go in January for work, so we made plans for me to tag along. And then…we all got Covid and had to cancel. Luckily, they were willing to reschedule and things came together so we were able to go in February instead. It was wonderful! We went on a boat tour of the Na Pali coast that was an absolute dream. (We saw so many dolphins and whales! I’ve never been so happy!) I only wish we could’ve stayed longer.

Do you have a destination in mind for next year?

So far we’re talking seriously about Chicago and Flagstaff between now and fall break. Next spring I hope we can get to a beach somewhere. The big adventure, though, will be Kenya for David’s 40th birthday.

What did you get really excited about?

Creative projects. I’ve written a surprising number of poems, including a handful I’m really happy with. While I haven’t gotten my camera out as often as I’d like, it’s always fun to take photos when I do. David and I have dabbled with video a little, mostly with Land Rover stuff on our travel Instagram account. And, as mentioned before, painting.

Also I’ve turned into a complete houseplant nerd. I have way too many! Every time I notice one is growing a new leaf I geek out. I should probably be more embarrassed that I am.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Taking photos of the family without the Land Rover. Spending time with friends who have since moved away. Finishing house projects that have been bugging me but seem too overwhelming to start. Spending time outside.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Waiting. Numbing. Procrastinating.

What was the best book you read?

As always, here are a few with VERY different vibes

Nonfiction: The Work of God: A Prayer Book of the Psalms in accordance with the Rule of St. Benedict compiled by Thomas McKenzie. I ended up reading every psalm at least once over seven weeks. The whole exercise was so good for my soul and I think I will do it again. The Lightmaker’s Manifesto: How to Work for Change Without Losing Your Joy by Karen Walrond. I’ve followed the author for years and love her work. This book was simultaneously inspiring and overwhelming, and I need to buy a copy (I borrowed it from the library) so I can reread and highlight and work through some of the exercises more thoroughly.

Fiction: Hide by Kiersten White was terrifying and delightful. I will read literally anything she writes. But I think my very favorite book of the year was The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. So weird. So lovely. This is the kind of book I wish I could write.

What did you want and get?

A housecleaner. She comes every three weeks and it has been life changing. We love Miss Nicole so much.

What did you want and not get?

A new house, specifically one with a pool. This will be the struggle of the rest of my life, won’t it?

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A little more space. After a year and a half at home with everyone, and with growing kids with changing needs, the walls sometimes feel like they’re closing in. I could use a small space of my own. (Feels very Virginia Woolf but she had a point.) The kids could use that too; Mila especially has been itching for her own room or even just a space she can get away from her siblings.

What kept you sane?

Calendars and having things to look forward to. When your day-to-day is very much the same, it’s easy to go a little crazy. Making plans and seeing what’s coming next keeps me from going too far into the dark place.

What political issue stirred you the most?

Uh…where to even start? I think all the things that get me worked up fall under the category of people clinging to power but not using that power for good. Watching so many people struggle for so many reasons while the people who could ease that suffering do nothing? Or worse, actively make their lives harder? Infuriating. I could (and do) talk about it indefinitely.

Did you fall in love?

No, but I felt some new feelings which are love-adjacent. Something about sacred spaces and the urge to create and an expansive sense of belonging… No wonder I’ve turned to poetry as often as I have lately.

Who did you miss?

Myself. I’ve seen glimpses of her, but she’s really gotten lost in parenting and household administration and depression.

Did you learn a valuable life lesson this year?

I am most myself when I’m in or near water and growing things. When I said I was the happiest I’ve ever been on that boat in Kauai, I was not exaggerating. I can’t remember the last time I felt like that; maybe when I was a kid. Wandering through the jungle near a waterfall…it makes my heart pound and my eyes tear up just thinking about it. The peace and joy I felt was such a stark contrast to how I usually feel. And yes, some of that was just being on vacation without kids in a beautiful place. But not all of it.

Since we live in the desert and are unlikely to move away any time soon, I’m doing what I can to create tiny oases for my soul to breathe. Luke and I have swimming lessons together every week. I take all the kids to swim with friends once a week too, at least until school gets back in. All my houseplants make our home feel less desert and more jungle. They’re small things, but they’re helping me survive.

I’ll need more than just the occasional swim to thrive, however. So that’s what I’m working on: how to have more water in my life so my soul isn’t just a dried up husk.