As you already know,
I’ve solicited some help from a few dear friends and bloggers I
admire. I sent them each the same questionnaire about marriage, because I
wanted to show how different a strong marriage can look from couple to
couple. I realized as the replies started coming in, though, that there
are quite a few common threads that seem to bind couples together.
You’ll see what I mean over the next few weeks. It’s always nice to see
what real relationships look like and learn from the good ones, don’t you think?
I’ve known Rachael for what feels like forever. This isn’t the first time she’s guest posted for me (see her other post here) because I love the insights she brings to whatever topic is at hand. Her blog My Foreign Sky is a tribute to the effort she puts into her role as wife and mother. Plus, if I remember right, I was there for her first date with her husband (awkward third wheel much?) so these responses are extra fun for me to read!
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Tell us a little about your family.
My husband Neil and I have been married for twelve years–but it seems like just yesterday we were irresponsible newlyweds eating too much rice & going to midnight
movies at the dollar theater! We have five children–Abigail is nine,
Juliet is seven, Isaac is five, Luke is three, and our resident spitfire
is 18-month-old Nathan. Neil is a whizzbang of a mechanical engineer
and is finishing the last year of his doctoral degree at Purdue
University. I mother full-time and teach tech writing part-time at
Purdue (after our third baby was born I switched to teaching online
classes, which means I can just grade in my pajamas after the kids go to
bed).
What made you first decide that Neil was “the one”?
Way back in our dating days, Neil and I were talking about how we
both didn’t believe in the concept of there being a one and only
perfect match, or soul mates, if you will. We are both united in
believing that there are certainly specific people who would make you
happier than others, but that ultimately your marital happiness depends
on whether you keep the commitments you’ve made to one another–physical
and emotional fidelity, certainly, but also genuinely putting the other
person and your mutual goals ahead of your own interests.
guys that I really had a pretty good idea of what I was looking for and
what I wanted to avoid. He was the very first guy where I thought–this
is it; it’s not going to get any better than this because he is pretty
much perfect for me. After our first date I went home and wrote in my
journal that I’d met the guy I wanted to marry; we were engaged four
weeks later and married in less than three months (I am not one to drag
my feet when I make a decision!).
Why is he still “the one”?
always, always puts everyone else ahead of himself. It’s impossible to
be angry with someone who lets you sleep in on Saturdays while he gets
up with the kids, or who stays at his lab until 2 am
because he came home for dinner & to play with the kids before
bedtime. I don’t know how he keeps going day after day, but he works so
hard to make sure that I am happy. I just can’t say this enough–his
actions always make it clear that my happiness is more important to him
than anything else. Marriage to him has been so incredibly good for me
in terms of helping me to anticipate others’ needs, to be more
compassionate, and to be more forgiving. He’s an amazing example.
love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage
specifically?
incredibly deep and lasting commitment you’re making to another
person–it’s such an act of complete trust. You’re giving them literally
everything you can give to someone else and subsuming your own
priorities and desires in order to focus on what is best for this new
unit. One of my husband’s mentors once told him, “Unity is more
important than who is right,” and that’s been the guiding principle of
our marriage. You’re not two people; you’re one unit, and you go forward
as such. When my husband and I were first married I used to try to
antagonize him when I was feeling grumpy, and he would just absolutely
refuse to engage. It took a few years but I learned how to resolve our
differences of opinion respectfully and in a way that was ultimately
productive rather than damaging.
What is one
of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?
unending doctoral program. When we started this journey we were so naive
and believed all of the timelines that the graduate school laid out for
us–hah! It’s been very hard for me to have our family and our future
dependent on something over which I have no control. I am a Type A
person who is constantly multitasking and working to be the very best
and the very first and the very fastest. Finishing my graduate program
and moving across the country to concentrate on my husband’s graduate
program was absolutely devastating for me. I didn’t know how to see
intrinsic value in myself without extrinsic awards and praise.
point now where I am incredibly worried about our future but there is
absolutely nothing I can do about any of it–it’s all up to my husband.
This is a huge, huge, huge heavy weight on him, and it’s hard not just
to feel powerless in my own right but also to feel powerless to help my
husband with this awful burden. It’s been and continues to be very
difficult; really, the only way I can deal with it is to completely turn
that timetable over to my husband and spend all my energy focusing on
our family & trying to make this time a magical golden one for us,
rather than a swampy slog of woe. It’s been very humbling for me, but
also so good for our relationship. My husband has a tendency to let me
take the lead and it has been very transformative for our relationship
and personal growth to have both of us operating in spheres where the
other person is more naturally suited–the “logical” choice by far would
have been for my husband to stay home with our children and for me to
work. Choosing to do otherwise has been the best decision we’ve ever
made–both of us have grown by leaps and bounds, but it hasn’t been an
easy process.
of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?
each other. As grad students with 5 kids, our budget to do this is
limited, but we look at it as an investment whose dividends we will be
reaping for years to come. We’ve done things on a smaller scale, like
arranging babysitting so we can train for distance races together–those
hours and hours of running together have allowed us to solve myriads of
problems and make crucial decisions about our family trajectory! And
we’ve done larger-scale things, like taking a two or three day vacation
with just the two of us. I love these times–they are so good for us to
reconnect as friends and spouses rather than somebody’s parents.
My husband would also probably add that I keep him up way too late
every night talking a million miles a minute, but I love the fact that
we talk regularly about everything. We usually talk on the phone for
fifteen or twenty minutes every day around lunchtime and these chats are
always the highlight of my day.
If you could
give any marital advice, what would it be?
Let’s go back to that idea of unity, shall we?
That “unity is more important than who is right” is just so key. Stop
thinking in terms of “me” or “he” or “she.” It’s “us.” It’s not my idea
being better than his, or his plan for that extra $100 winning out over
mine, or your parenting style being the one and only way. You’re on the
same team–be united. There’s no victory if you leave the other person
behind.
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David and I often talk about how we are on the same team, so I just love that last line: There’s no victory if you leave the other person
behind. So much truth there. I also appreciate her positive attitude about taking on roles to which the other person might be better suited. That could be a good opportunity for growth for any couple.
Have you ever had to take on a role that your spouse might have handled better? Do you think of your partnership as a team too?
Thanks for being willing to share with us yet again, Rach!
Hah! Yes, you totally were there for my first date with Neil. I'd forgotten about that!
Aaannnd I meant to say…thanks for having me. 🙂
Happy to have you, dear. And I should add "first date third wheel" to my resume. Many happily married couples swear by me!
Loving this series, Jen! All of them are awesome!
I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I've got a handful more to come, so stick around!