The following is a draft I started ages ago, before we moved, when I was first counselor in the Primary presidency and David was the Young Men’s president and our ward was kind of dysfunctional and we were stretched pretty thin. The asterisks mark where the draft starts and ends; after that are my thoughts now. Forgive me. This is kind of wordy.
***
I read this article yesterday, along with most of the comments, and could not stop thinking about it all day.
You see, it was one of those Saturdays for us. We had a Primary activity day in the morning, David was up on the Rim helping the girls at camp go repelling, and in the evening the Boy Scouts held a chili cook-off. We spent most of our day doing church stuff, none of our day doing things we wanted or needed to do for ourselves (ahem, grocery shopping that didn’t happen), and were all completely exhausted and more than a little cranky by bed time.
I wondered, does everyone feel so completely worn out after days like this? Or is it just an introvert thing? If I were “highly social and gregarious, someone with an overt passion, who
finds it easy to share her faith with strangers, who is expressive and
enthusiastic and transparent, someone who participates in a wide variety
of activities, who knows tons of people, who eagerly invites people
into her space, who quickly assumes leadership responsibilities, and who
wears her faith on her sleeve,” would I resent these killer Saturdays so much?
Because I do resent them. I don’t feel like they serve my spiritual (or emotional or physical) needs. Quite the opposite, actually; extra activities and meetings and such tend to deplete my reserves, making me want to stay home forever and never accept a calling again.
I noticed last night, as we sat eating chili at a table by ourselves in the corner of the cultural hall, that all of the women my age who came to the event were the extroverts of the ward. The ones who had made friends shortly after moving in, who were involved in play group and craft night, and with whom I don’t feel much of a connection. The women I relate to a little easier were nowhere to be found. I can only assume it’s because they–or their husbands in some cases–are introverts, and that going to such an activity is exhausting and uncomfortable and they just prefer to stay home and enjoy some time with their family, even if it does mean turning down free food.
***
Since writing this we have moved to a new ward, like I said, and the dynamic is very very VERY different. I actually go to the weekly play group now, and have been invited to several social events outside official ward functions, although I have yet to attend one. I feel like I have made more friends in six months than I ever did in our old ward.
Of course things are different in the ward, and maybe there are just more people here that I feel a connection to, but the biggest difference is in me. I am trying to be less introverted.
I still sit in the back corner of the class when I’m not up front teaching, and I usually slip out quietly as soon as the meetings are over. But I speak up more often when I have something to contribute to the discussion. I go to play group. I joined the choir. I’m trying to connect more with the people I visit teach and with my own visiting teachers. It’s been a conscious effort on my part to be involved, and I’m happy with the results I’m seeing. People know who I am. They seem to like me and my contributions. More than that, they don’t necessarily need me the way our previous ward did, but they want me around anyway. It’s nice.
That said, all that effort to be more extroverted is exhausting. I’m not gaining much, spiritually speaking, from all my efforts to be involved and bear my testimony whenever possible because I’m just so dang tired from trying so dang hard. And I can’t help wondering sometimes if it’s worth it.
Any other introverts out there trying to strike a balance between quiet communion with yourself and your God, and outgoing involvement in the church community?
I feel like I've had a similar string of thoughts/events recently too. I like how you put that going to social events is really exhausting and uncomfortable… it really is for both G and I. We have to like "decompress" after every social function and find ourselves analyzing all the times where we "went wrong" with what we said or did. Something good that happened recently was that in my YW teaching calling, with the new curriculum, I was inspired to talk about my shyness because all my laurels are really shy too. I feel like it really touched them to talk about how sharing a testimony comes naturally for some people, and for others, even talking about it with family is extremely difficult and is a skill that has to be learned and practiced. We made a goal to practice and learn this in the safety of class together, because we know it is important. So… despite always getting down on myself, I finally felt a little blessed in my introversion, because it helped me connect to and understand the girls in my class. Weak things can become strong!
p.s. I love love reading your blog. It fills me up when I feel down.
I'm so glad you were able to connect with your girls that way! Moments like those are a testimony to me that we really are called where our unique gifts are needed. It's good both for ourselves and those we serve.
Also, thank you. I'm having a down day myself, so I appreciate the little boost.
I have always felt exhausted by any social interaction with anyone who is not a VERY close friend in groups larger than three. Sometimes that's too much. Sunday dinners with the family are exhausting for me.
BYU gave me a book of teachings of Lorenzo Snow for Christmas that's kind of like a supplement to the EQ/RS manual for the year. There is a section in that book where he talks about spiritual knowledge coming only by exertion. That word has been standing out to me a lot. I don't lose weight, exercise, practice cello (but I love it, right?), take care of finances, etc. without feeling like I have to push through some very difficult feelings. Certainly this extends to my church responsibilities and participation. Part of this is clinical depression, but I know that part of it is personality.
So two things. First: I don't believe that actively exerting yourself to participate in social, spiritual, and service activities is all about you. I've spent years trying to figure out why I went to Brazil and learned Portuguese, a language that is practically useless to me now, when I have no desire to go back and other languages are playing a larger role in my life and education. Recently someone suggested that I learned Portuguese because I was called to go to Brazil and that's the language they speak there. This suggestion completely blew my mind! Being a missionary was a constant struggle for me and nearly everything I did was outside of my comfort zone. The exertion required has produced enough of a change in me that I am able to actively participate at church and generally feel comfortable doing so. Not necessarily to make friends that I go out of my way to see outside of church though. The point, though, is that I may have helped others or changed lives or any number of results that are way beyond my right to understand. I don't really see it as my business.
Second: I just try to imagine sometimes how I would feel if I just stopped everything. Just no more activities, meetings, service, home-teaching, etc. Is it possible that I would still be able to have a spiritual life and feel at peace in my heart? The world tells me not only "yes" but that this would be the better choice. The problem is that I have been there and when I don't have those other things I am less inclined to ponder things that are truly important. I don't read scripture, I don't pray, I stress about things that don't matter. Sometimes I exert myself to be involved just to be sure things don't fall apart all around me.
I hope some of this was somewhat helpful.
Garrick (not Anna)
I feel like you and I should sit down and talk about this some day, because I have a lot of thoughts swirling around that just won't make it into this reply. So know, first and foremost, that your comment is a welcome and happy surprise.
To your first point, I know. It's not always about me and my needs. But, to play devil's advocate a little bit, how can I do any good if I'm totally tapped out? My mom often tells me, "You can't draw water from an empty well." I think there has to be some balance between making sure my own needs are met and "putting myself out there" for the good of those who may need me for whatever reason.
Second, that's an interesting point. I know I go through cycles where I'll spend a few months being outgoing, then follow that with a period of self-imposed isolation. I'm not sure I see that as a falling apart so much as a regrouping, although it is easier to become complacent and stagnant during those rest periods… Hm. I'll have to think on this more.
Like I said, we should talk sometime.