As you already know,
I’ve solicited some help this month from a few dear friends and bloggers I
admire. I sent them each the same questionnaire about marriage, because I
wanted to show how different a strong marriage can look from couple to
couple. I realized as the replies started coming in, though, that there
are quite a few common threads that seem to bind couples together.
You’ll see what I mean over the next few weeks. It’s always nice to see
what real relationships look like and learn from the good ones, don’t you think?
Today we’re hearing from Hope. What can I say about Hope, other than I really really really like her? She’s so unabashedly herself–which is to say she’s a Disney geek and a geeky geek and an animal lover and a talented musician and a smart, opinionated, fabulous writer–and I think she’s a delightful and gorgeous breath of fresh air. You can read more of her thoughts at I Dream of Moose, but for now let’s see what she has to say about marriage.
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Tell us a little about your family.
We’ve been a family, just he and I, for a little over two and a half
years now. No children yet but we did acquire a large furbeast who thinks he’s
a toddler and he’s been mucking up our lives for about 9 months now.
Mark and I went to the same high school (he graduating in ’07 and I in
’09) but I don’t think we ever really met until my senior year. I was
dating a friend of his so we all hung out at the same events, the same
places, with the same people. That friend went on a mission and Mark
jokingly “called dibs” (which, at the time, really stiffened my resolve
to hate the guy), the fake permissions of which were returned in good
humour. Turns out it wasn’t such a joke.
What first made you decide Mark was “the one”?
philosophy. I think that it’s possible to love a multitude of people in
that capacity. We all have our gal friends that feel like soulmates in
their own right. And I’ve had enough family members and friends lose
their own loved ones to find different but just as soulmate-y
lovers and companions later in life to realize that this would be a very
lonely world if we only had one chance for love. Basically I’m
paraphrasing prince Henry’s quandary by the lake with Leonardo. But that
wasn’t the question.
It just became an unquestionable fact that we would be spending the
rest of our lives together and we merely had to designate a time to make
it official.
unequivocally believes in me and my hopes, dreams, and aspirations. He
never questions my capabilities. He pushes me beyond what I would
believe for myself. But he also firmly grounds me in reality. He
doesn’t puff me up in pride or inflate a worthless balloonhead of ego in
me; he keeps me humble. And I provide the same for him.
the prickly porcupine. A bit of a cold shoulder. But the honest to
goodness truth is that he is the silliest goofball I’ve ever known (and
I’ve known a good plenty of those thanks to spending most of high school
in the midst of choir and drama hooligans). I am constantly being dug
from my stubborn “silent treatment” or otherwise foul mood and into a
fit of unwilling giggles because he’s just so good at getting me to
laugh. I mean, the kid will randomly flop on the bed, head hanging off
the edge and imitate a “velociraptor on a unicycle” complete with claw
arms and prehistoric screeches. He’s sweet and thoughtful and kind and
good.
love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage
specifically?
love most about marriage and our marriage in particular. The
camaraderie and inherited mantle of miraculous trust I assumed as a wife
was an expected but not fully comprehended blessing that I received
from marriage. Someone to laugh with, cry with, rant with, but also
someone that can hear the words, “I just need to be alone for awhile,”
and they won’t take it personally. They’ll ensure that you get exactly
what you need to recharge your batteries. To be the best person you can
be. The person you want to be. Our humors blend so well together as well
as our personality types that we understand each other in a way that is
so beneficial and comforting.
personality that I, and only I, get to consistently and frequently
enjoy. It feels like my own special secret that he has entrusted me with
and I am so honored to have earned that spot in his life.
of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?
balance of love and laughter. We had to learn the signs of when
the other gets burnt out, how much space the other needs, how to ask for
what we want in recognizable terms (not just hints and vaguely veiled gestures). We had to learn how to communicate in a way that the other could understand.
of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?
deep heart-to-hearts long into the night going over what we feel works,
what we find hasn’t been so great, and what we think could be a good
shot at a solution. The amount of hypotheses we come up with that have
failed probably outnumber the successful ones, but it sure does bolster
the aching heart to know that genuine effort is being made. We always
feel better having said, “maybe this will fix it?” and find that it
didn’t quite do the job rather than, “this still sucks and we’re still not doing anything about it.”
give any marital advice, what would it be?
incredible importance of Communication; if that hasn’t been apparent
enough throughout answering these questions. And not just making your
thoughts heard. Compromising the ways we communicate was
important as well. I had to let Mark know that I won’t stand for it when
he speaks sharply at me while I’m helping him fix cars, even if his
anger is inwardly solely directed at the insubordinate tools. He had to
tell me that pseudo-interventions made him feel stifled and
uncooperative. And so we adapt.
easily. You must speak up when there is a problem. But there is a
delicate and often wavering line that you have to constantly define and
redefine that determines what to make a fuss over and what to just shrug
off and remind yourself that you love them and they love you.
time to tell somebody you love them. While they’re brushing their teeth
and a foamy blob of saliva is leaking out of the corner of their mouth.
When you’re sitting on the couch and just thumbing through Instagram.
When they’re on the toilet. When you’re in the car and there’s a moment
of silence (if there’s a moment of silence…if there isn’t a
moment of silence!), or you’re cooking dinner together, or in the
middle of an argument, just never hold back the words “I love you”
because you never know when they may need to hear it or when you may
need to say it.
Such good stuff in here. This bit describes exactly how I feel about David: “My favorite aspect of our marriage are the glimpses of Mark’s true
personality that I, and only I, get to consistently and frequently
enjoy. It feels like my own special secret that he has entrusted me with
and I am so honored to have earned that spot in his life.” And what she says about not just communicating but the way in which you are communicating? Spot on.
Does anything she said stand out for you?
Thank you so much for sharing, Hope!
Good stuff, Hope. Good stuff.
I couldn't agree more. Plus, aren't they cute?
THIS is why I hang out with her at every chance I get 😉
Totally understandable! Hope's a gem and you're wise to keep her around. 🙂
I love this so muchand I totally agree about communicating outright instead of hinting! Great idea to have a marriage month Jen!
Ugh, hinting. Nobody ever gets it and everyone ends up frustrated. Hope is smart to just be upfront about things.
And I'm glad you're enjoying this so far!
Okay. Just found your blog and I am already in love. Can't wait to read more!
Welcome welcome! I'm glad you're here and extra glad that you want to read more!