Longtime readers know that I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues since shortly after Margot was born. I usually refer to it as “crazy brain.” (What can I say? Humor and self-deprecation are two of my coping mechanisms.) I’ve tried a few different treatments and have settled on a medication that has been working great for me for about two years now. Given that it’s been a while since I discussed this here, though, I thought it might be a good time to check in.
Confession: I was really hoping to be weaned off my meds by the holidays.
More confession: That did not happen. Not even a little bit.
Much as I’m disappointed by that, it’s been a blessing. The last several months have been something of a shock to my system. I’ve been handed some very difficult lessons from a lot of different sources, and I’ve cried a lot more than I care to admit. If I weren’t medicated, there’s no way I’d be as optimistic, present, and open as I am now. My guess is I would have shut down around Halloween and might still be struggling to resurface now, five months later.
At the beginning of the year I met with my midwife for everyone’s favorite well woman exam (/sarcasm) and to discuss some physical health concerns I had. Naturally my mental health was also a topic of discussion. She is currently prescribing all the medications I take (birth control pills + sertraline, which is the generic version of Zoloft) and wanted to know how things have been.
Not great, in a handful of ways, I told her, but looking up. I was…am…hopeful.
She was happy to work with me toward my goal of getting off my mental health medication, and had some great suggestions to that end.
Side note: I just love when medical professionals listen and work with you. You know those doctors that are so condescending and don’t seem to be paying attention to anything you’re telling them, or worse, don’t believe you? Why do they do that?? Ugh. I’m telling you, good medical care can be so hard to find but when you find it, it is gold.
Anyway, after talking with her, adjusting my meds slightly, and looking at my current situation vs. where I’d like to be, here’s my plan of attack:
I’m looking into therapy.
By “looking into” I mean “I know it would be good for me and I’m all in favor of it but I’m worried about finding the right person and how I will pay for it.” Any suggestions on that front—especially if you’re local and have any connections or recommendations—would be great.
I’m making arrangements to allow myself some “me time” more often.
This means setting up a work space and setting aside time to use it. It also means taking advantage of the babysitting co-op I recently joined. Creative outlets are important. More writing, more reading, more doodling, more baking.
I’m still taking medication…for now
The combination of a higher dose of birth control pills and my same low dose of sertraline has been FANTASTIC. I feel more balanced these days than I have in ages.
Eventually I intend to wean off of the sertraline. I have sufficient refills to get me through 2017, but I really want to be off before Ryan’s birthday in November.
I’m not sure why I’m pushing myself to be off the meds. I’m very open about the fact that I take them for my mental health and feel no shame whatsoever about it. If it’s possible, though, I’d like to find other coping mechanisms and, ideally, real healing.
I’m continuing to give myself grace.
My standards are low, and that’s fine.
I’m learning to let go of guilt as a motivating force in my life. Just because I “feel like I should” do something doesn’t mean I have to.
I’m focusing on my priorities as much as possible. Posting beautiful photos to Instagram every day is not a priority; noticing beauty in everyday things is. Bathing my children and dressing them perfectly is not a priority; loving them (and making sure they’re healthy and appropriately dressed for the weather/occasion) is. Going on fancy dates with David is not a priority; maintaining and improving our friendship + love for each other is.
I’m comparing less and celebrating little successes more. Progress over perfection, right?
I’m paying attention to, and learning to be okay with, my limitations. There’s an event coming up that I want to attend, for example, but going will take a lot out of me. Knowing that, I feel better prepared for that day and whatever follows, and I’m keeping my schedule for the rest of that week open for prep and recuperation.
So far I’m doing really well. Most days are good. Some are great. Others are pretty rough, I’m not gonna lie. But I’m happy. Even on hard days, I know things are moving in a good direction.
I know some of you reading this have struggled or are currently dealing with less-than-stellar mental health. I see you. Depression is real, but depression lies. Never forget that. There are breaks in the darkness when you’ll see beauty + light. Look for it when you can; remember it when you can’t.
You’re not alone. You matter. And if you need a friend, I’m always here.
We got this.
I just love you so much Jen! I want to hug you all the time cuz you make me happy, and help me remember that I’m not alone.
You always find the right words to say that help comfort me. I know you don’t write things FOR ME but you definitely still do hahaha
Thank you for being open about this. I know it’s hard to put yourself out there and talk about it, but because of YOUR courage I find it easier for ME to talk about it and find my answers as well.
You’re amazing. Don’t ever stop. <3
You are the sweetest, Ali. I’m so glad we can support and comfort each other. Solidarity sister!
Congratulations! I totally understand the goal of getting off just for the sake of getting off. My story of weaning off Zoloft is long and complicated, but for whatever it’s worth: I weaned off Zoloft (with my doctor’s help) over the course of several weeks when my third baby was about 2, after a year and a half of being on it. Eight months later, seemingly out of nowhere I had a complete breakdown (panic attack which I was convinced was my actual death) and ended up in urgent care. It was pretty bad and took me several days to recover. I was shocked at the physical effects of that.
I briefly (about 6 weeks under my doctor’s Rx) went back on Zoloft in the meantime and then started seeing an LCSW. She completely changed my life. I saw her every few weeks, Zoloft-free, for almost 2 years until she (unfortunately for me) moved away. I have since found another one that I like.
I HIGHLY recommend therapy. I found my first therapist through my husband’s EAP. If you have an EAP definitely go that route. It’s hard sometimes to go off of personal recommendations from friends, since everyone has different needs. The EAP counselor I spoke with basically chose a therapist for me based on my criteria and my problems (well she gave me 2 options to choose from and I went with the one that was taking new patients) and I don’t think I ever could have found the right person otherwise. Oh and the first 5 visits were free through the EAP, so there’s that.
I honestly believe that everyone could benefit from therapy. It’s a pain to get set up, and for introverts it’s a pain to go, but if you can make it happen, make it happen! I believe that I had the major breakdown that I did, because medication had only solved the symptoms of my anxiety without getting to the root of it. I understand so much more about myself and my marriage and how to take care of myself (and my kids, and my husband) than I ever would have otherwise. But don’t take my word for it! 😉
Oh and BTW I went back on Zoloft after my fourth baby was born. Someday I’ll go off again… Maybe… But I’ll seek more help this time.
I think that’s what it is for me: I’d like to treat the root of my issues rather than just managing the symptoms. I don’t know what an EAP is but I will definitely look into that. Knowing that therapy has been so good for you gives me a lot of hope. Thanks!
So many hugs to you, my dear. I’m very late in reading this, but, I am SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU for taking care of yourself, even if you don’t home-run Jen-time every single day, the plan and efforts will certainly pay off.
xox
I feel like I could have written this exact blog post. Lowering my expectations for myself have helped tremendously. And I’m right there with you on seeing a therapist. I really would like to and know it would be good, but also, money.