Rachael of “The Chronicles of Abigail”

Well my midwife is currently on vacation, so I guess it’s best that baby still doesn’t seem ready to be borned. I’ve given up trying to induce labor on my own and will just pass the time till Monday–when my midwife gets back into town–by kicking back and enjoying some more guest bloggage.
 
Today we get to hear from my friend Rachael. We’ve known each other for over a decade now, which makes me feel super old. Between rainbow sprinkles in our spaghetti and accidentally murdering a couple potted plants, road-tripping to the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls (on two separate occasions, mind you, not all at once), weddings and grad school and babies (not necessarily in that order) and now living across the country from one another, we’ve always kept in touch, and I’m so glad. 

This woman is fantastic and is frequently my go-to girl for parenting questions. Conveniently for you, she’s sharing some great advice with us today. You can read more of Rachael’s thoughts at The Chronicles of Abigail.

My
first baby was born at the end of my first year of graduate school.  I
was twenty-one and naively convinced that all the wonderful things my
baby did on her own were solely due to my own prowess as a parent (it
only took my second child a week to set me straight on that one).

My first little baby is eight years old now, and my fifth baby will
be born any day.  I still have many, many lessons to learn as a parent,
but I’ve picked up a few gems along the way that have changed the way I
approach mothering and made my life more meaningful, joyful, and less
stressful.  These are things I wish I’d known earlier–perhaps some of
these you already know, perhaps some will be new to you, but I hope
you’ll find something here that makes a real difference for you.

1) Routines are key.  I once read that a two-year-old’s love
of routine is comparable only to that of an English butler, and I’d have
to say that my little Luke could give Downton Abbey’s Carson a run for
his money.  Children truly thrive on predictable routines.  Sleep is a
key one here, especially for babies and toddlers.  And don’t
underestimate the importance of a routine for yourself–motherhood is
often so chaotic that implementing your own personal routines can help
you to shape the chaos into some semblance of order (for me, cleaning
routines are crucial).

2) Read to your children early and often. I am incredibly
passionate about this.  As a mother, there are few things that give me
greater satisfaction than our thrice-daily snuggle sessions with a giant
pile of books.  A few things that I’ve found that make this work really
well:  first, sit on the floor so that a younger child (shorter
attention span) can wander back and forth between your lap and whatever
else it is that they like to do.  Second, read at snacktime–again,
little kids are more likely to stay put when their mouths are occupied.
 And third (and I realize this may not be for every family), consider
getting rid of your TV and putting some serious money in your children’s
library.  My husband (who grew up with a TV) often tells me that not
having one in our home is the single best parenting decision we’ve ever
made.  Period.

3) Take the time to teach your kids how to do things.  It takes longer, but it’s worth it. Pretty
self-explanatory, right?  Frustrating when you’re teaching a
three-year-old to fold towels; incredibly rewarding when your
eight-year-old sweeps the floor after meals without even missing a beat.

4) Create with them–they will focus on your successes, won’t know if you make a mistake, and be thrilled by the process. 
My kids have never noticed the times that I forgot to put salt in the
bread dough, or the crooked stitching on the appliqued pillows, or the
fact that I am truly lousy with watercolors.  They just tell me “this is
the best day ever!  I love this!”  It’s the perfect time to experiment
with anything.  I have learned to knit, sew, garden, bake bread,
practice yoga, and make cheese with my children enthusiastically looking
on and cheering for me no matter the outcome.

5) Have high expectations, and put in the time to help your child to achieve them–but let them try it first. 
This can be a tricky one.  You don’t want to push your kids too much,
but you want to push them enough, right?  I’ve found that it is easiest
for me to walk this fence when I am accessible to my children but not
hovering.  If someone is practicing piano, I am quietly folding laundry
nearby.  When they’re doing homework at the kitchen table, I’m starting
dinner.  It’s the same principle that you start using when your kid is
stacking blocks–you may hand them the block, you may even build a tower
of your own, but you let them build their own tower.

6) Relationships are key. Sometimes it helps me to think
about whether my response to a certain situation will make my child want
to confide in me when they’re 16. Do my actions show them that their
opinions and feelings matter to me?

7) Go to bat for them, but make it clear that you also support other adults in their lives.  I’ll
never forget my daughter’s reaction when she found out that I had
called the transportation superintendent to relay my daughter’s
(justified) complaints about her bus driver.  She really felt like I
cared about what she thought. Conversely, I’ll never forget her reaction
the first time she realized that I had talked to her teacher about what
my daughter felt was an unfair disciplinary action (it wasn’t) and that
I was going to uphold the teacher.  It goes both ways.  My ultimate
goal is threefold: to make my children feel like I always have their
best interests and safety in mind, whether it is advantageous to them or
not; that I care about what they think, whether I agree with it or not,
and that–most of all–they are loved.

8) Serve vegetables first.  If you need to put sprinkles or a
boatload of ketchup on something to get it to go from plate to mouth,
don’t feel guilty about it.  

9) Rewards for good behavior are always better than punishment for bad behavior.  It
never ceases to amaze me how much kids will do for a star sticker on a
piece of paper on the ‘fridge.  Star charts can literally be your best
friend.

10) Get outside.  I promise you, this is a magic cure for almost anything.  Plus, it keeps your house clean.

11) Don’t do things that you hate but feel like you should embrace.  There
is nary a speck of Play-Doh in my house and I don’t feel one bit guilty
about it.  I’ve never thrown a themed birthday party, my kids don’t get
baths every night, and I really love my yoga pants.

12) Keep learning.  Whether it’s reading parenting books or
other nonfiction (or my personal guilty pleasure, sci-fi or fantasy),
taking a class, learning a skill you’ve always wanted to learn–whatever
it is, keep yourself from stagnating.  Invest in yourself.  Your time
to learn and reinvent yourself and be a fascinating person did not end
when you finished your formal education.

13) Talk to your spouse. My husband and I have very different
approaches to almost everything.  Sometimes it’s easy for me to think
that my way of doing things is the best way, because I’m the one that
does that thing 99% of the time.  But you know what?  That man I married
has some pretty darn good ideas, and my ideas get even better when I
bounce things off of him.  It’s been crucial for us to be on the same
page about parenting decisions just as we would be about financial or
career decisions.

14) Exercise, get enough sleep, and take time for yourself.  It
took me far too long to learn that when I neglected myself, my entire
family suffered, even though I thought I was being noble in my
self-sacrifice. I always joke about how I’m a much better mom the longer
I run, but it’s true.  Recharging my own batteries makes me a much
happier and healthier mother & wife.  Finding, developing, and
nurturing talents & interests outside of my family has helped me to
feel like motherhood is an important aspect of my life rather than an
all-consuming (and draining) takeover of that girl that I used to be.  

15) Get down on the floor.  Early
on in my mothering career, I realized that while I was spending every
minute with my children, I wasn’t very present.  Sure, I might be
brushing the redressing the Barbie or helping with a puzzle, but I was
also on the phone, or running off to answer an email, or half-heartedly
responding to a (mostly one-sided) conversation while I washed the lunch
dishes.  I started setting a timer for 30 minutes every day where I did
whatever my kids wanted to do and gave it 100% of my full attention.
 Voila!  I felt like an amazing mother–in just those measly 30
minutes–and my kids basked in the fact that I was doing nothing but
playing with them.  And after the half-hour was up, either they were so
involved in the game or ready to do something else that nobody yet has
ever complained when I slipped away.