Arachnophobia

We don’t get many bugs in our house. The occasional moth, perhaps, or a rogue mosquito, and a handful of tenacious ants/termites that somehow keep finding a way through the caulking around our front door frame, but other than that? Practically zero bugs.

This is great because I’m not a fan of the creepy crawlies. There was a beetle in the bathtub one morning which I didn’t notice until I was in the shower, naked, and therefore defenseless. A rational person would have turned off the water, gotten out, and squashed the thing. Instead, I pressed myself against the wall opposite the shower head and watched, horrified, as the beetle spun round and round in the drain. I didn’t move until I was sure it was well on its way to the sewer.

See, it’s not that I’m not afraid of insects. I just like to know where they are so they don’t suddenly crawl on me with their multitude of tiny legs and freak me the heck out.

Spiders, though. Spiders I’m afraid of.

I know that I’m bigger than they are and they’re probably more afraid of me than I am of them and that they aren’t going to hurt me and I DON’T CARE. Spiders are an abomination and I hate them. Minus the expletives, I totally could have written this, because that is exactly how I feel about spiders, in case you were wondering.

And all this is why the following pictures required an inordinate amount of courage to obtain. Don’t be alarmed. I am fine. (Bonus points if you can name that movie.)

This is Boris.
He is enormous and lives outside my kitchen window. (And yes, my kitchen window is FILTHY. Boris is largely to blame for that.)

This is Mischa. He is about half Boris’ size but no less scary for it.I’d like to point out that he only has seven legs. That’s how hard core Mischa is.

And this? This is Vlad. As in “the Impaler.” You can’t tell, but he’s bigger than Boris and Mischa combined. He also just went through a growth spurt. I watched him CRAWL OUT OF HIS SKIN this morning so he could be bigger and badder than ever. I’m pretty sure I’ll be having nightmares about that for the next month or so.These guys–and their very large extended family–are the reason we don’t get bugs. Along with the elusive geckos (who I actually rather like, despite their tendency to drop tail and run when frightened) they have created a near-impenetrable fortress around our house. Cobwebs are EVERYWHERE. I hate it, really, because a) they look disgusting and b) HELLO! SPIDER HOUSES. YIKES. But let’s be honest: I’m too scared to do anything about them. Sweeping cobwebs down from the ceiling of the carport? Potentially getting spiders IN MY HAIR?? No thank you.

Plus Halloween is coming up, and it really doesn’t get much scarier than this:Shudder.

P.S. I cannot be held responsible for any wetting of pants that occurred as a result of this post. You can take that up with Boris.

You may also enjoy:

The prettiest glass ceiling Lens Love Music and dogs and “the roar of cars”