So many people I know, it seems, are doing fun things and going to fabulous places and experiencing life in a way that is impossible for me in my current season of life. Normally I would be fending off jealousy and frustration about this. Lately, though, I feel a tiny twinge of envy followed by a surge of inspiration.
It’s a little weird.
Part of it is definitely my meds. When I forget to take a pill, things are…not great. So I’m thankful to modern medicine for giving me a better grasp on my sanity, no doubt about it.
A bigger part, though, is a change in me. Something is fundamentally different in my soul, something hard to pin down and describe, but as I become more aware of what has changed–is changing–I feel a sense of rightness. Like maybe it’s okay that I’m a little bit restless and anxious, that I have inconclusive and conflicting thoughts about so many things, that I have goals that mean nothing to anyone but me.
Maybe it’s okay that I still don’t have it all figured out.
Maybe it’s okay that I am who and what and where I am right now, because today I am who and what and where I need to be, and tomorrow any of those things might change, and that’s okay too.
Even if I had the freedom to jaunt off to wherever I please at a moment’s notice, I’m not sure I’ve got the spontaneity for it right now. I’ve flaked out on a few commitments I’ve made because I just can’t face the thought of doing what I said I’d do. Heck, I don’t even have the stamina and fortitude required to haul the kids to a splash pad when it’s hot out and we have nothing else going on. Often I feel paralyzed or apathetic, and I certainly have more moments of self-doubt and general dissatisfaction than I’d prefer.
But–and this is kind of a big “but” for me–I’m learning to rebound faster. I don’t get stuck in a self-sustaining anxiety loop as often. And there has been, as I said, a remarkable amount of inspiration, often from unexpected sources.
I feel a little bit giddy about the possibilities. Honestly, I’m a little bit terrified, but only a little bit. There’s more peace than fear. And given all the chaos that comes with being The Mom and all the inner turbulence I’ve felt until recently, any peace is very welcome.
For me, for now, it is enough.