Hi, my name is Jen, and I am struggling with infertility.
(Insert big sigh here.)
I’d say “I’m infertile” except we can’t definitively say that at this point. We know some things, and we’ve solved some problems, but since I’m not pregnant, we can assume that there are other concerns to address. It’s been two years now, two years of lots of negative pregnancy tests, lots of visits to the doctor, lots of tracking and charting various things, and lots of prayers.
It’s gotten old, really.
All the physical and medical details are irrelevant. What eats at me is the simple fact that I desperately want to be a mom–and I’m pretty sure I’d be good at it–but it just isn’t in the cards for me right now.
I’m not sure why I was hesitant to discuss this stuff here. Maybe because I didn’t want my blog to become all about infertility. Maybe because I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Maybe because I’ve never been great at being open about my problems and emotions. And maybe I’ve made it all more complicated than it needed to be.
Regardless of my prior reasons, there’s no point in pretending it’s a secret anymore. My extended family knows. Many of you know. Yesterday, a coworker asked if David and I were planning on having kids, and I gave her the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of the last two years without batting an eye, so now everyone at work likely knows. No reason not to let people in, right? And since, as a couple people said in comments on my last post, this issue is a major part of my life, I’m going to quit avoiding the subject on a blog about my life.
So here we are. You feeling awkward that I’m talking about my gynecological issues (although not graphically, THANK GOODNESS) and me with no babies. Welcome to my current reality, friends.